кαℓℓι'ѕ тяєєнσυѕє: Revelations Of A Personal Nature

Try to fade away

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 21:21:39 GMT

I've been thinking a lot lately about friendships etc. I suppose you would have guessed that by some of my previous entries. In fact, I've been doing a whole tonne of thinking. Naturally, my present lack o'career is kinda in the forefront. Not to mention the balancing act that is my life now between BF & GFs. That's a whole other pack of issues.

You know, it totally sucks sometimes that when your life is going so nicely in one area, other things seem to fall apart in the other areas. Why the hell does that have to happen? I mean, I am willing to admit my lack of effort, but the street goes in both directions here! Why should I carry all the burden of something that honestly isn't my fault 100%? Okay, okay, I'm changing subjects in the middle of sentences here and making no sense whatsoever. This isn't good.

Yeah, I've got some deep thoughts right now. I've been sitting at work over the last 2 days close to tears and not even understanding WHY. I mean hell, I'm not PMS'ing... :P I think I am just so frustrated with my work situation and my failure to find something else so far is getting me down. I really am trying... I think my self confidence is at a low point. Not a good mind set to be in if I actually get an interview one of these days. I wish I could shake it off and move forward. Funny how sometimes a funk just sits and gelatinates around you when you don't want it to. I mean, bosslady has been unusually "nice" to me lately and for that, I don't understand. It's almost like I prefer her to be in her regular moody-ness just because I know what to expect with that one. When she's unusually "cheery" it freaks the hell outta me.

To be honest, if she goes through with some plans that I will not discuss here; well, I just may be forced to leave anyhow. Scary thought if she could read this, don'tcha think? pfffffffffffft.

Anywayz, I've found some cool quotes about friendship that I will post below. I love my friends... I don't have very many, and I like to keep it that way. Would rather have the quality rather than quantity... wouldn't anyone??

A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they're not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they're not so bad.
-Arnold H. Glasgow

The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.
-Elizabeth Foley

Friend
A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be.
- Douglas Pagels

If instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend, that would be giving as the angels give.
-George MacDonald

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our life means the most to us, we often find that it is that person who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, has chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand...
The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.
-Henri Nouwen

Tilted Universe

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 18:39:08 GMT

Ever have one of those days/weeks where you just feel "off"? Where nothing makes sense or perhaps you just don't feel like YOU?

Admittedly, I'm dissatisfied with many aspects of where my life is going... Mind, some things are amazing. It's like the Powers That Be won't let me just have a smooth run of it. If one thing gets really good, another thing will start to fail. Weird. That's the lamest cheques and balances theory of life EVER. It would be great if things could just ALL work out for awhile. Whatta neat idea eh?

I'm so glad it's a short work week. If I had to be in this office any longer, I'd be jumping off the building. Don't worry, I wouldn't really do it, but it's sure funny to think about.

I'm taking Monday off as well... My boss has been pretty persnickity about my vacay days lately. She keeps wanting/asking to keep track of them because heaven forbid that I rip her off a day. pffft. Don't worry dude, I won't rip you off, no matter how much you drive me to drink sometimes. I'm too damn honest for that bullshit.

Don't tell anyone that tho. I mean, the whole pirate-thing will be marred because I'm supposed to be good at the deceit-pillage-n-plunder-thing. arrr

Okay, going back to purgatory now... Gotta make more lists. Whooopeeee

Pensive Mornings

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 16:01:48 GMT

Sometimes I do my best thinking in the mornings. Perhaps that means that I am a morning person in disguise as a wild and crazy night time party girl? I’m not sure, I guess I need to explore that further.

It was a good morning for the bus because the kids obviously had an in-service day and there were actual seats available. So I was able to pull out my book and sit and read in comfort on the ride to work this morning. Very nice.

The weather has been horrible lately with the temperature dropping to -45C in the mornings. Basically, if you have exposed skin it will freeze within minutes. But this morning, it was a balmy -25C… LOL It actually felt WARM compared to what we’ve been dragged through over the last week.

As I step off the bus, the bus driver wishes me a pleasant weekend and I start my 5 minute trek down the block to my building. The only thing I can hear over the noise of the cars are my feet crunching in the snow. You know, I love those home owners who are kind enough to clear the sidewalks in front of their homes! It’s not law here to do so like in other cities, but it’s a treat when some kind neighbour takes his snowblower and walks half a block or so down the street clearing a path for us poor pedestrians. Bless you whoever you are!!

I think about a lot of things during my little jaunts to the office. I wish I could write and walk at the same time because I KNOW some of my thoughts were awesome but they have slipped away into the back of my mind now. I walked into my office, sat down, and started to try to transcribe them, but a workmate popped by to chat. So now all my lovely ideas have drowned. I know one of them was to deeply consider taking some writing courses… along with the other design courses that I am interested in. My only sadness is the money it will take to do so. I live fairly frugally but I like my lifestyle none-the-less. I have a couple of vices that suck up my hard-earned cash but nothing like gambling or alcoholism… lol So what can I do? Noni and I had a convo last week about self-motivation and the lack thereof in our lives. I envy those who just seem to “do”. We all know those people, perhaps you are one of them? The types that have a dream, and go for it! The lovely people who manage to just make it work somehow and put their dreams into action. To be honest, I don’t think any amount of books/media/self-help gurus will ever get me to change into that type of person. I’m not saying that as a “woe-is-me” statement, it’s just a fact. My personality is just different and that’s all there is to it. It’s not like I can’t do these things either, it just takes me a bit longer to get the ball rolling.

I’ve oftentimes blogged about my frustration with myself and lack of motivation. I’ve gone to counselling, read books, and basically tried to find ways to inspire myself into doing the things I REALLY want to do. Maybe I need to hire a nag? There’s a good idea for a job! “Rent-a-Nag”, for all your lack of motivational needs! Hire by the hour, day or week someone to force you into doing the things you keep leaving behind! Yeahhhhh…. There’s an idea. Screw those petty “life coaches” and their sappy philosophies! Just hire an annoying person to nag you into getting your ass in gear! Of course, nagging doesn’t always work with me either… in fact, it can do the complete opposite. Hmmmmm, so maybe not the best idea, but certainly a funny one in my mind at least.

Anyhow, speaking of inspiration; I watched Lost last night and intend on reviewing it. Unfortunately, not at this time because the bosslady is BACK and I gotta flee.

May this weekend bring you joy, inspiration and productivity. And even if it doesn’t, maybe next weekend will be better.

07.07.07

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 12:58:57 GMT

Awhile back I bought reusable grocery bags.

We all know I use public transit... lol

I try not to run my A/C unless it's ABSOLUTELY necessary.

I keep lights that I'm not using off.

I recycle what I can.

I know I can still do more...

What are you doing?

Rollin'

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 20:19:21 GMT

Taking a small cue from my fellow bloggers, I just wanted to post some quotes today that I found... They made me think. (Yeah, I know, pretty scary)

"Howard Hughes was able to afford the luxury of madness, like a man who not only thinks he is Napoleon but hires an army to prove it."
   - Ted Morgan

"Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves."
- Walter Anderson

"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."
- Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998)

"It is a paradoxical but profoundly true and important principle of life that the most likely way to reach a goal is to be aiming not at that goal itself but at some more ambitious goal beyond it."
   - Arnold Toynbee (1889 - 1975)

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."
    - Augusten Burroughs, Magical Thinking

More Contemplations

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 12:52:20 GMT

Loyalty has always been important to me. I may not have all the perfect qualtities of a friend, but one thing I know I have is fierce loyalty. I think that that quality is becoming more difficult to find in people these days. But perhaps the reason I am mentioning this is because when someone breaks my trust in them, they also start to lose my loyalty... and eventually they can tell... eventually, it dries up like a tear on paper.

Loyalty comes along with trust. Do I trust you? Are you a trustworthy person? If so, then my loyalty is right there too.

But abuse that trust, and not only do you become suspect, but my loyalty begins to die. I won't rally around a fake. I won't rally around someone whom I cannot trust. period.

Naivete abounds between us humans and I would rather be naive than hard. If I put my trust and loyalty in the wrong person, I learn from it and keep going. Bitterness should be fleeting, if not completely absent.

The mourning period is over.

Your Thoughts?

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 04:54:16 GMT

This is based on the movie that is coming up for one of the BEST stories EVER by Philip Pullman. It's a trilogy called, "His Dark Materials" and it's brilliant. You can find a link to his books in my reading list. I highly recommend that you pick up the books and read them. They are stories that are captivating for young and old and I can't say enough good things about it. I am looking forward to the movie, The Golden Compass which is the name of the first book. I'm not going to pretend that they won't change the plot somewhat, but it's a movie, not a book. But from what I've seen so far of the film, it looks incredible!

One of the things about the people in Pullman's world is that they all have a familiar or daemon that never strays far from your side. While you are a child, it can take on many shapes, but as a person reaches puberty, their daemon settles into one shape. SO! I took a test the other night and ended up with a crow daemon named, Nicoleus... Do you think he suits me? (Don't be jealous bro, seriously! It's total coincidence that I ended up with a crow!! lol)

Claiming

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 04:13:10 GMT

I am Kalliope,

read me and laugh.

read me and think.

read me and weep.

or don't read me at all.

it's your choice,

it's your free will,

it's your time.

I am just another stop on your trip.

I am just another stepping stone on your way.

I am just another line in your read.

I am more than just Kalliope

but only if you take the time to get to know me.

What's worse; to lie to others or to lie to yourself? Or do they go hand-in-hand?

Is it possible to not be a hypocrite? Or are we all just lying to ourselves? (see above Q)

When is it ok to ignore a lie and when is it ok to confront one?

When is it ok to be silent, and when are the right moments to speak up?

Is being passionate just another pretty word for being oBSTiNaTe?

Am I the only one obsessed with these things?

Yes, I'm feeling pensive. :P

Whirlwind

Tue, 15 May 2007 13:10:05 GMT

Well I gotta say, my ole blog has been rather thin of late. I've actually felt some guilt over it as well! Like Etan mentioned in his blog, I've been busy and felt in a way that I had nothing to say. Of course, I'm lying when I say that. lol I ALWAYS have SOMETHING to say as those who know me personally can attest to. Probably a good AND bad thing when you think about it.

I was thinking about my mini vacay with my cousin last night. I can't say enough good things about that trip. We didn't argue or try to kill one another, so in my books, she's a very cool travel companion. LMAO We laughed a lot, we talked a lot and we SHOPPED alot. It was just so wonderful to spend some one-on-one time with her. If you're reading this girl, I want you to know how much I love spending time with you and just plain LUV YA! mmmwwah!! Thanks again for suggesting this trip, I had an AWESOME time!

As for all the other craziness in my life.... hehe 'nuff said on THAT for now.

I don't know if it's the spring weather, or all those lovely "therapy" sessions, or maybe just a slow change within me, but I am finding some new-found confidence within myself. Perhaps it's because I'm starting to make some of the long-awaited changes that I've been meaning to do? Maybe I'm just feeling better about ME. Who I am, what my purpose in this world could be. I still don't have it all straight yet, but at least I'm getting there. Every day a new door is opened to me that gives me another opportunity to stretch my mind, my imagination and my possibilities. I hope that I can stay on track and keep moving forward.

Next step; World Domination.

ROTFL!!!!

Faith In Humanity

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 04:46:57 GMT

Yesterday, my faith in humanity had a shot of goodness.

With all the upset and sadness going on all over the world, I saw something that made me realise that there are good Samaritans out there alive and kicking.

On my way home from work yesterday, I usually wait for my bus on a fairly busy intersection. As I was approaching I noticed a bunch of people walking IN the intersection... which was strange since they weren't sticking to the crosswalk. Then I noticed a pallet with a bunch of metal bars (sort of the kind you'd use to put up a chicken wire fence) stacked on top of it. There were about 4 people carrying these heavy bars 2-3 at a time and loading them into an SUV sitting in the left-turn lane on the opposite side of the median. One guy, had stopped his car in front of the oncoming traffic so that no one would drive into them, and as I watched, another man hopped out of his car and went to help them load everything back in the SUV.

I stood there and watched these people all help out this woman. In fact, I didn't even know it was just one woman who had these items fall out of her car, I thought for sure, some of these people must be with her... but they weren't. All these folk just stopped and went to help someone in distress. I like that. You don't often see that in the bigger cities I've lived in, and it gives me such a good feeling to know that there are good people out there who are willing to just stop in the middle of rush hour and help a stranger out. It gave me some hope for humankind and I just wanted to share that.

I Wanna Be Sedated

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 17:01:10 GMT

Did you know that it's Stress Awareness Month? Did you know that tomorrow is Stress Awareness Day? Did you know that NEXT Wednesday is Administrative Professionals Day? Funny isn't it? I thought so too.

Laughing Giraffe blogged awhile ago on the differences between being stressed and being burnt out. I found the info she provided to be really interesting and it made me think, am I REALLY just stressed out, or is it something more serious? I mean, I am not into the pop-psychology-mass-self-diagnosis thing. The only real person that can help you do that is an educated professional in my books. But it DOES help one to perhaps start on a path of understanding regarding your state of health. I came to the overwhelming conclusion that I am most likely burnt out rather than stressed. Biggest difference between the two being, if you are let's say, stressed with your job, how can you tell if it's simply stress or being burnt out? Stress is when you are always go-go-go, not necessarily hating your job, but just feeling the pressure all the time. Burnt out, is when you are borderline depressed with your entire situation and just have an almost 0 motivation factor. hmmmmm There's other reasons involved too, one of them being too tired to socialize, which really hit hard with me because that is where I'm at at certain times. I get home, and I'm just too tired to even THINK about anything else and it takes a massive PUSH for me to DO anything else. It's like I have to psyche myself up to do just simple things like make a phone call, wash dishes or run an errand. That sucks. I am usually a pretty social type gal and I love hanging around other people and doing things. I will be fair in this assessment as well and mention the fact that the winter months don't help one's situation either. When it's -30C outside, it also makes a person not too motivated to go out and do "stuff".

Anyhow, so awhile back, me and the therapist decided that it's time for a new job. Which I've also stated in here too. It's such a difficult thing looking for a new job. For me anyhow. This is the longest I've ever stayed in one place and barring the misery I feel on a weekly basis, it still pales in comparison to the upheaval of looking and starting a new job. For some, it's an adventure, for me, it involves a big ball of stress. I'm sure that once it happens, I will feel relief etc. etc. but for now, I feel my self-confidence is not at it's highest so I don't feel.... hmmm... "worthy" of applying for a new job. This is the first time in my life I've ever felt that way too. Most of the time, I never even thought twice about job hunting. Most of the time, I've always walked in to an interview with a smile, a relaxed nature, and a quick wit that usually impresses most. The ones it doesn't impress, are the ones I don't wish to work for anyhow. So what's the big diff now? Fear of rejection? hehe, most likely. Fear of working for the same type of person that I am now? Oh YEAH, I don't want that. Fear, fear, fear. LA! I need to get over this bump in my road!! I've had enough of rejection, I need something good to happen here! All of my friends have decent jobs, why can't I? Not that I am competing with them, I'm just saying that I don't hang around a buncha bums!

So it's fear. I've named you dammit!! You can't have me forever!! nnnyyaah!!! I am going down this little walk and in the process I am looking for some self-confidence. Lord knows I've got it here somewhere... I'm cheeky enough. I guess I just got to tap into it and do things that allow my confidence to grow and get back up to par with what I need to do in life. Yeah... that's it.

Thanks for listening/reading.

This message was brought to you by the letter "F", "S" and the number "2".

Is it just easier this way?

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 00:31:59 GMT

Have you ever been in a position where you need space from a friend? Where you just can't handle whatever it is that they are going through and you have to step away? If so, did you feel guilty about it? Did it just make you feel like you maybe weren't being the "great" friend that you always thought you were?

I've been questioning what type of friend I am lately. In some cases, I think I am a pretty decent type and in others, I feel like a bitch. (yeah you read correctly) Anyhow, I've made some mistakes over the the last year when it comes to friendship and am having a hard time coming to terms with some of it. I really hope I can learn from those mistakes. On the opposite end, I've also had some pretty nasty things done to me that I still haven't figured out the "why". I've lost trust in some people... the same people that I normally would have thought to trust with my life, are suddenly on the list of those I can't understand any longer. I DO understand that friendships change, grow, reshape and sometimes grow apart, but I don't know if any of these reasons are the REAL ones for what is happening now. I guess I still have to figure those things out on my own.

One thing I do know, is that I've been disappointed with one particular friend for quite some time. This person has lost my trust and some of my respect. For the sake of the peace amongst the rest of the "gang" I would love to continue on and pretend that these things don't bother me, but I am not cut from that type of cloth. Plus, the issue is something that is personal for me as well, which makes it all the more difficult. I am an extremely passionate person-most of my friends are not quite that way. I am the one who speaks out impulsively and likes to talk things to death, and more recently, likes to figure out a way to tackle said issues without leaving them festering. I am learning more and more that sometimes, letting things slide or pretending problems are not there, or acting as if it's ok when someone really hurts you is NOT ok to ignore. As much as we all hate confrontations and feel that it may damage a friendship, it is better to bring it up rather than let it take root in one's psyche and eventually allow it to destroy your mind, your will and your relationship. Some people prefer not to rock the boat and would rather hide from the issues and just pretend it's all ok. Others may harbour a fear of rejection from someone by bringing up a painful subject. Yet there are more people who believe that friendship should just overlook it all and peace should be kept at any cost. I know this, because these are/were some of my feelings as well. In fact, over the years, these are the reasons why I never confronted a single friend, even when they hurt me, or worse. Why is that? Why is it that we can't just be "grown up" (whatever THAT means) and be able to speak in complete confidence to the ones we care for? Yeah, I know, I've blogged on this before... and because of the above reasons is why I originally mentioned them.

Anyhow, I am about to enter a "mourning period" in my life. I am mentally preparing myself for the possibility that I may lose more than one friend in all of this mess. This kills me and is haunting me regularly and at the most inopportune moments. I really hate that. I've begun to get this horrible reputation for cutting people loose in my life and for speaking out about things that are sometimes deemed as none of my business. I shall agree, that sometimes I get myself too involved in shit. It's my nature to be passionately emphatic and that gets me into trouble more often than not. So this is a part of myself that I am working on. I need to learn to observe from afar more often than putting myself in the line of fire. It's more difficult for me to do when I am particularly close to someone as well. I mean, you connect, you reveal secrets to one another, you spend copious amounts of time together, how can one NOT feel it deeply when the other is in pain or doing wrong or happy or anything?

You know, I figured out recently, that sometimes I talk too much because I am so used to being misunderstood, that I feel I have to "extra-clarify" myself on a regular basis. (Thanks Etan for some enlightenment) Does that sound neurotic? lol During the course of my life, I've been accused of thinking too much, talking too much, laughing too much, doing too much and loving too much. I guess I'm just too much! Unfortunately, because of these extreme tendencies, I end up becoming the easy target for people when they need someone to blame for when the fit hits the shan. Sometimes I feel that if I just STFU maybe everyone would like me more and we could all continue to live in our blissful ignorance. You know, no conflict, no one pointing out things when they go south... that kind of crap. Perhaps I'm feeling a bit down on myself right now. Tomorrow, who knows, I may wake up and say, "Screw you!! I will say and feel what I want dammit! I don't need your "permission" to speak on the things that matter to me!"

But then I remember, I must flavour things with a bit of salt, take a bit more thought into my process and perhaps be a bit more discerning on who I let in and tell my "secret thoughts" to. Oh yeah, and write more in my journal about my true feelings, talk to the ole' therapist, and sort things out in my blog rather than literally out loud with other people. Then, it's anyone's choice to read it or not. (AH-HA they say, this is why Treehouse is private right now!) I'm tired of always hiding my feelings in one way, and then eventually, they come out wrong because I'm so busy trying to repress them. Because in the end, I think that's why I come off so... forceful? Perhaps it's because I do spend too much time trying to bottle it all in and then it just ends up gushing out like a geyser. I'll just let out all the blab here and torture you, dear reader and blogland friend, with my psychotic thoughts. :-PPP

I guess I can't expect everyone to see things like I do.. in fact, I'm glad they don't. Otherwise where would all of our unique natures come from? Some of us are meant to observe things, some are meant to discuss them. Some of us are leaders, others are followers. Some of us play for the team, others are the cheerleaders. (Thanks Melisa) I just wanna be well in my mind, healthy in my body and joyful in my spirit. I don't think that's such a horrid thing to ask. I also need to be around people I can trust, while I go through this process. I want to know I can count on my friends to have some patience with me when I get it wrong and to cheer me on when I get it right. I want to feel comfortable in telling someone when I cannot handle things without them taking advantage of my weakness or thinking I am a cop-out.

What can I do in return? Be the same kind of friend that I ask for. I'll use the classic, "do unto others" mantra because it only makes sense. I'll learn to be a better listener, and continue to be as loyal as I've always been. When you're happy, I'll laugh with ya, and when you're broke, I'll give you my last dime to help you make it through. (-; I'll support your endeavors, and try to help in any way I can to get you there. I'll also be honest with you as you should be with me... even if it hurts. The small sting is always preferred to the long-term fester.

So much easier to say, rather than DO, but with the right heart, I hope it can turn out for the better in the end.

Two Years & Counting

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 19:02:47 GMT

It's difficult for me to imagine that I have been at this "blog-thing" for two years now. It's had it's share of ups and downs I gotta say. There are times when I am riding high on the clouds in Treehouse land. Then, there are other times where I have recorded things that may have been better off left unsaid... or unsaid publicly. In regards to that... I find that people who do not involve themselves in the blogging universe have a harder time grasping what this means. Well, that's obvious I suppose. So anyhow, I am just stating the obvious I guess. I think what I am trying to say, is that sometimes, I wish I could just write what I wanted without worrying about who reads it. So the question is, should the Treehouse go private? Interesting Q. It has been "suggested" to me that I should keep a separate journal... for my more, "personal" issues. Perhaps this has to be the case, I don't know. It's something I may need to consider sooner than later. But at the same time, my stubborn nature states that I should be able to write what I wish because that is what creative freedom is all about. Which is the right approach? These are the circling questions in my noggin.

The last two years have been an amazing ride. I've made some fabulous blogging-friends, and found people out there who enjoy the art of creative writing and community as much as I do. For that, I am most thankful. For all that have decided to come by, read, and comment, I thank you. It is my sincerest happiness that I have had the pleasure to read you! Thank you for your candid comments and kind support of the Treehouse. I may not always say it, but I DO appreciate it and enjoy returning the honour of your visits.

Josh put the question up awhile back as to the REAL reasons why we blog. I still think of that Q as I write this missive, especially because it's been 2 years and what is it that I have achieved within these cyber-walls? Perhaps a greater sense of self for one thing. A better understanding of looking at the truth within myself and learning to recognise it in the people and things around me. For better or worse, it has also made me realise the importance of speaking out, and saying what I feel more often. Not like I ever had huge probs with that.... but I DID have more issues with the personal things... you know, the stuff you'd like to sit and talk over with friends but never do for fear of rejection? I still carry that fear, but I also have learned that it's better to face that fear and move forward than to bottle it up inside. Even if the "forward" is not the nicest place to be or not the general, overall consensus of the rest of the world. That is what makes us all unique isn't it? We can share our similarities, and discover our differences with curiosity and interest.

Why else do I blog? Perhaps in some vain hope of acceptance by others. Yeah, this is the truth as selfish as it sounds. Do I want accolades? No, that's a bird of a different colour. Does it matter if someone on MSN says to me, "Hey, your space is great, let's give it a medal!" I would have to say it would flatter me, but it's not my ultimate goal here. Never has been, and it makes no difference to how often I make an entry or the quality of my entries. Nor is it my goal to be "better" than anyone else. As I have stated in the past, I am the last person that wishes to compete. It's just not in me and I find it to be a tiresome quality anyhow. Who wants to sit around trying to "one-up" people all the time? Why DO people do that? I just don't get it, especially between friends? ugh. I've already blogged on THAT one before. Ahhhh can you hear me singing the, Why-Can't-We-All-Just-Get-Along-Song? lol I better be careful, I don't want people to start questioning my pessimism. hehe

Will I continue to have fun in the Treehouse? YES! This has become one part fun, one part therapy and one part writing skill enhancement! I love writing, and the last two years have solidified and verified to me, that it is a skill I would like to improve upon. 2007 is the year I start to make some changes... and learn to be patient in the process! lol

I am taking a cue from Rocas who always has the coolest quotes in his blogs... Thank you!

I shall end this with some thoughtful quotes I found today that have some personal meaning, since sometimes, I can't always say it out loud;

No legacy is so rich as honesty.
-William Shakespeare

The most valuable things in life are not measured in monetary terms. The really important things are not houses and lands, stocks and bonds, automobiles and real state, but friendships, trust, confidence, empathy, mercy, love and faith.
-Bertrand Russell V. Delong

The longest journey is the journey inward.
-Dag Hammarskjold

You must dare to disassociate yourself from those who would delay your journey... Leave, depart, if not physically, then mentally. Go your own way, quietly, undramatically, and venture toward trueness at last.
-Vernon Howard

Thanks for stickin' around. Cheers!

I Never Thought...

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 14:47:36 GMT

I just saw the saddest thing and I need to write about it. For my readers who are animal-lovers I give you fair warning, you may NOT wish to read this.

I've had a rough weekend and last night was pretty frustrating... But I was feeling a bit better this morning. Anyhow, on the way to work, I noticed how spring is finally attempting to make it's appearance. There are tulips and daffodils pushing their way up from the ground, the geese are back, ripping up the grass then poo'ing all over it. (I am not fond of them) I am seeing a lot more rabbits out and about with their mottled brown and white coats. The sun is higher in the sky, it's not always overcast and it's just a pleasure to be able to step outside without having to put 20 layers on.

My morning was going fine until I was walking the last stretch today to work. I noticed a little rabbit eating under a pine tree and thought to myself how adorable he/she was. Suddenly it took off straight for the street. I was only a few metres away and stopped dead in my tracks, helpless at the scene I was about to witness. I won't go into detail, but needless to say, the fucker (pardon but I am upset) who hit this creature didn't even slow down. I wonder if he noticed the woman screaming on the sidewalk? (yeah, that was me) It is NOT an overly busy street by any means, in fact it's considered a residential street. I understand that what's done is done and there was nothing this driver could do... but the fact that they just rode straight through and didn't even slow down... it shocked me. I don't think I've ever had a reaction like that before... I had no clue what to do either... I just kept crying and trying to walk to work... all the time looking back at the road. It is still disturbing me because the poor thing didn't die at the impact and was still lying there... Should I have tried to move it? I just don't know. What I DO know is that if I could have done something for it I would have... It's just upsetting and the scene keeps replaying in my head, over and over... especially the sounds. I got to work and just sat in my office and bawled my eyes out. Lori came in and gave me a hug - thanks girl.

I'm still shook up actually... I never thought something like that would disturb me so greatly... I guess I'm not as piratically-cold-hearted as I thought.

I don't know if I want to walk by there on the way home today.

Never Ignore The Dreams

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 18:15:13 GMT

So PD was telling me about her wacky dreams last night... I'm sorry I didn't get to chat with you about them girl! Crazy night.... But I gotta say, after reading about them, quite interesting...

Funny enough, I had some extremely vivid dreams this weekend as well. I think some of it has to do with the copious amounts of caffeine, alcohol, and strange foods too. lol Anyhow, for posterity, allow me to write down the dream I remember from last night before I forget it. I think it has some significant meaning.... but I have yet to figure it all out.

Basically, I was asked to hold on to some money and other papers for a mob-guy for a year. After that year, someone would call me to ask for it back. I wasn't supposed to know it was money but I did anyhow or I guessed rather. Anyhow, they had given me a cell phone and said they would contact me on there... I hate cell phones so I never carried it around, but after a year of holding this "package", I find out someone's been trying to contact me for a day on a PAGER. (I dunno, the cell phone was there on the desk along with a pager that mysteriously appeared... gotta luv a dream) So then this dude shows up at my door saying that I need to meet with some committee because I was a day late in getting in touch with these people. So then I remember sitting in this interview-like board meeting with all these people asking me weird questions about all the people I've known in my life. All I could think of was that I needed to protect some of them, even though some of them were whack jobs and they didn't deserve to be saved. At the same time, I started to worry about the package in my house because I didn't want someone to steal it cause the head guy would be pissed with me. I finished up this big interview with everyone apologising to me for being so hard on me. Then they said that they would send someone over to pick up this package. At this point I was concerned that my boyfriend (oh how fun was THAT?) was going to steal the money... So I raced home and checked everything and it seemed untouched.

To strangely appease these people, I put everything in a gift box and added some little gifts and such to make them happy. I remember this faceless "BF" asking me WHY I was doing this and I told him because that is the type of person I am and all that blah. Then I had the sneaking suspicion that he had stolen some of the money but I didn't know what to say because I wasn't sure. Then some man showed up that was to take the box and I gave it to him with worry on my mind.

Last part of this trippy dream was that some of the money had indeed been stolen and the main bad guy went on a killing spree and was shooting people all over the place. I was there for some reason and I saw people dropping all around me, but I noticed they weren't dead. Why? Because apparently he wasn't using a real gun. It was something that just gave out little electric shocks. Everyone was playing dead so this guy would leave them alone. So I dropped to the floor and he came running up to me and aimed this gun at my back and shot me. I remember feeling shock and it was like a buzzing noise and I screamed and then woke up.

How weird is THAT? LOL

So now I gotta slowly sift through this mass o'mess and figure out what the heck THAT was all about. Very vivid, very weird, and very confusing. It was like a mini movie... :-P

The rest of my weekend was quite busy and I managed to get some important things done. Took my mum out for her birthday, went to the pub on Saturday night (that was interesting) and had my cousins over for a bit last night. Oh yeah, and managed to do some long-awaited cleaning as well. All I can say, is that I am glad that this is a short week because my day is already being quite silly and I just want to run home. 3-day weekend cannot come fast enough. Plus, I start my Spanish lessons this Saturday! FINALLY!!! Something different to really look forward to... WOO!

Time to go back to purgatory....

Chilling Revelations

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 18:25:13 GMT

Wow... have a looksie at my latest You Tube find.... It kinda freaked me out. I mean, I always knew we lived in fast times etc. etc. But to put it into perspective like that is chilling. I wish I could have found this when I blogged about Gen X. This would have put even more of those attitudes that younger people have into perspective. To have to "look forward" to this type of future, could get depressing for some.

What are your thoughts?

What Year Do You Belong To & Other Such Dreamy Things

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 16:21:03 GMT

Okay.... I know this is the "lazy blogging" way of making entries. But I have an addiction that I just can't seem to STOP! I LOVE taking these stupid little quizzes! I may have to check myself in to a clinic of some sort. Actually, maybe I'll meet someone famous at the clinic since that seems to be the "in" thing to do nowadays. HA!! hissss.

Anyhow, I found this particular quiz hilarious because it turns out I belong in the year I was born. Freaky. And NOW you know my age... hehe almost.

***You Belong in 1972***

If you scored...

1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in!

1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too.

1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all!

1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day.

1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good!

What Year Do You Belong In?
http://www.blogthings.com/whatyeardoyoubelonginquiz/

There ya go!

I once again forgot to blog about Lost. Problem being, I have only watched the eppie once... I need to watch it a second time for it to really sink in. But it was a GREAT episode regardless!! The show rocks, simply put.

I spent my Thursday evening struggling with beading supplies. I wanted to make some necklaces and earrings with all these beads I have... unfortunately, I had serious problems concentrating last night. To make matters worse, I didn't get anything done except a small bracelet that I don't even know if I like yet. Then, my cherry on the cake is that I could not sleep. I don't know what was wrong with me last night. I had a bad sleep and wickedly vivid dreams. I remember half-waking at some point realising what my dreams meant... Well at least one part.

There were several incidences of the same nature. One of them, I remember being shut out of one of my friend's car because they kept saying that there was only enough room for 2. (even though in each case there WAS obvious room for more) Everyone kept pairing up with friends and I was always the third person. I was feeling sad, lonely and rejected because no one wanted me as their partner and I remember stepping back from the car with a feeling of quiet resignation... knowing that I just didn't belong there. I know, this sounds extremely personal, and it is. But I wanted to write it down for posterity's sake. I want to look back at this and remember how far I've come. It's not just the fact that it's spring... it's the fact that my life is changing as well. I am planning things differently, I am viewing my life from another perspective, and I am coming to terms with many things. This is all good.... but difficult.

Great words of wisdom I received this week; "If you keep doing the same thing, you will get the same results. Try approaching things differently, and you'll see you get different results."

What an awesome piece of advice that is.
:-)

My Generation

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 23:29:40 GMT

So I recently finished reading "Generation X" by Douglas Coupland. It's been a long time coming as I have been wanting to read this since it first came out. A few weeks back, I found it at the bookstore in my favourite department, next to the Fantasy section of course, THE BARGAIN BOOKS!! All hail the Bargain Book section. So for the mere price of $7.99 I picked me up a fancy dancy copy of Gen X and proceeded to polish it off within a week.

I found it to be a great story and it brought up some interesting questions about what is supposed to be my generation. Yes, apparently I belong to this group of folk. I most heartily agree with much of the "attitudes" and "ideas" of people in this little cubby hole of a generation as well.

Coupland mostly wrote from the perspective of 3 people who were born in in the early 60's (a bit before my time) but they had similar ideals to me regardless. Fantastic book btw, I highly recommend you pick it up if you get the chance.

Anyhow, it made me wonder, WHAT is this elusive group and WHERE do they come from and WHY are they named as such. So I wandered into the land of Wiki and found some interesting things... I will just use point form because I am sure the rest of you can go there and look as well. So I don't wish to bore you to death;

There are some discrepancies on the period of time one must be born to be considered "Gen X".
Some say you should be born between 1963-1978
Some others describe it as, if you were in your 20's during the 1990's... (hmmm perhaps makes some sense there)
"Symptoms" of Gen X-ers include; apathy, displeasure in gross pursuits of money and status, feeling "overshadowed" by the Baby Boomers, lack of religion, desire for equality etc. etc.
There are varying degrees of Gen X dependent on what decade/time you were born

It seems to me as a whole, Gen X-ers have slight obsessions with our Baby Boomer parent's lifestyles or lack thereof. I know I do. I constantly complain to my father how people of his generation don't realise the mess they are leaving us to clean up. I am always asking him about the attitudes of the people in his building... he lives in a 55+ block. They are always complaining how the government is not giving them enough money to live and blah blah blah. When I sit there and wonder if we'll ever see that kind of cash when I get to retire... IF I get to retire that is. Everywhere I look, 55+ condos and developments are popping up everywhere to prepare the the mass influx of Baby Boomers downsizing and living the retired life. Don't let me get too political or else I could go on for pages here. BASICALLY what I am trying to say, is that as a generation living next door to the Boomers, it DOES sometimes feel like we are always saying, "It's not fair... how come THEY get all the cool toys??"

This is not to say that I do not appreciate all I have or had in my life. I am merely pointing out the massive difference between these two generations and how it feels to be slotted into this time period of massive growth and twisted up morality. Interesting points to note as well are that we are the generation who has grown up with the breakdown of the family unit, women's liberation movement, the desmasculination of men, (is that a word... probably not...lol but you get my drift I hope), religion has become the new "f-word", education costs insane amounts of money and leaves us in HUGE debt by the time we are 25, recession, depression, diseases by the thousands and just a mass overhaul on our culture as a human race. Race being a key word because everything is just so, now, Now, NOW and it sometimes leaves me breathless with how fast one needs to keep up with daily life. We don't have the same job security that our parents enjoyed, unemployment and the poverty lines are so close to reality for many of us that it almost becomes the "norm", and don't get me started on health care. (I'm Canadian so I can say that one hehe) So all of these ideas and then some have shaped our minds to what they are today.

Good things? There are plenty. We may have not seen a time of "boom" in our lives, but we have had many opportunities that our parents could never have dreamed of. And let's not forget the invention of the computer. This silly little box has caused us all great joy, and massive pain all at once. Supposed to make our lives easier? I think not. But does it sometimes enhance our lives? Most definitely!

I do find that many times I wish I could just SLOW DOWN and enjoy life more. Sometimes I manage to... but not enough. I also get jealous a bit of our predecessors and the slower lifestyles they led. I know it was not "ideal", for what truly is? But I do know that my generation has a lot of responsibilities to look forward to in the coming years. Some are good, some, not so much. Am I apathetic? I don't think so, nor do I have a lack of faith either. But again, some of these "symptoms" belong to me and probably my fellow Gen X-ers to some degree or another.

My question to YOU is, do YOU feel like you are part of this "Generation X" or no? IF you were not born in this gen, then when WERE you born? Or how do YOU view things? Do you think it's any different?

Just some questions to ask yourself or leave a comment here. I got to run to an appointment now, so my time is up! I am sure I'll think of a million other things I could have written or not written tonight. Maybe I'll come back and add... or maybe I'll find something interesting from someone else. Until then, read you later!

;-)

Impending Sense of....???

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 12:56:06 GMT

Ever wake up and just feel "blah"? Like you had a bad dream and you can't remember it, but just FEEL it? That's how I feel right now. Can't put my finger on it but figured I would write it down. Kinda negative, I know... But I don't know what else to think of it. Hopefully I can shake it off. It's Friday after all!

Again... I sense a disturbance in the Force. lol These paranoias have GOT to stop! I'm ready for the funny farm people! :-PPP

One last gulp of coffee, get dressed, and get to work already! Dammit.

Inspiration: Apply Within

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 00:47:30 GMT

Okay, so I really haven't written much lately that has any "meat and potatoes" in it. Bad me. I haven't had the time... or the inspiration to do so atm. Plus, I have a big writing project I need to start this weekend so who knows when I'll have time to blog in here. (sigh)

Big kudos to Etan and Mitchellero's blogs though. I have very much enjoyed reading your theories of late. Quite helpful and comforting... and a whole other buncha things I won't all get into at this time. I would very much like to continue the string though. Hopefully some inspiration will hit me this weekend. Cross your fingers as I am having another writer's block spell I think.

Good things in my life right now; It's the weekend! Plus, the ladies and I will be attending a social this eve. Should be fun. Gotta love a good home-grown social... it's the stuff that spring in Manitoba is made of! So I am just sitting here, drinking a white russian and thinking about what the HELL I'm going to wear to this thing. I know I've definitely come to a point in my life where I don't care half as much of what people think regarding my attire as I used to in my 20's. I mean, I like to look GOOD... I just don't go overboard if you know what I mean. I've never seen the need to go "skanky" either. Never did when I was younger, and never will now. Gawd. If I did now I'd look like one of those Cougar-types that hang out in places like the Palamino Club... ewwwwww. All-in-all, I like to be ME, not someone else. So I refuse to dress like the masses just to blend in with the crowd.

But perhaps I should set some type of goal for myself tonight? Not sure. I was thinking of attempting to engage ONE stranger in a conversation... What do you think? This is not something I normally do as these types of events are usually loud, full of crazy folk and lots of drinkin to go around. But I've been thinking a lot lately about the way I am and what I can do to improve myself. One of those things are to get out and meet new people. I don't mean make a bunch of new BFFs or something like that. I have enough close friends TYVM and I don't need to trade them in for new ones. No... I would just like to be able to feel brave enough to start a convo with someone of the opposite sex without feeling like an idiot. I used to do it all the time when I was younger and had less baggage under my belt. Why can't I try it now? SERIOUSLY! I guess there's also the factor of the "Manitoba Man Syndrome". For those that are not aware of this phenomena, let me explain...

Basically, men in my city are very introverted. Now before all of you start biting off my head for generalising, please keep in mind that I've grown up here, and I know the basic "mood" of the town. There are plenty of extroverted men as well but either they are way younger than I, or a lot of times they are a bit... hmmmm...full of themselves? (Oh I know I'm gonna get an earful for that one) ANYWAYZ. My experience, along with other women in my age bracket, have noticed that guys don't come up to you to talk unless you practically wave and smile and beckon them over. It's rare here when a nice man approaches you and just chats you up etc. I've lived in other cities and I've seen the difference so don't argue with me on this point!! nnyyaah!! lol It just seems that GENERALLY guys don't come up to a girl and just TALK unless they've have a dozen beer or think you're easy. Why is that? I don't consider myself to be overly intimidating... I smile a lot, I laugh, I like to have fun. I don't know. Perhaps it's just me then... fine fine FINE!! blah. But for the record, I am not the only one who has noticed this trend so I am in good company when I say this. It doesn't come from a point of bitterness, just fact. It doesn't mean to say either that I have NEVER met friendly and outgoing men in this town... it just means that the mass majority seem.... shy? So then my point is, perhaps I need to start up convos more often... Not that I like being the aggressive one... that has got me more lukewarm men than I'd like to count.

One friend of mine put it really well into focus. She said, because we live in such a small city, a lot of people ASSUME that they will perhaps see you again so they don't necessarily approach you the first time they see you. It's not like we live in a big city like Toronto where whenever she goes there, she says guys constantly come up to you to chat because the KNOW they will probably never see you again. So they have to dive in immediately or lose the chance if they find you facinating. Perhaps this is the reason?

Another theory of mine is that the women in this city tend to be more aggressive in talking to men first. Reason? Probably because of what I stated above! LOL So men in general figure that they would rather wait for a woman to approach rather than being shot down. (sigh) Such a viscious circle.

Regardless of my rant here... I will perhaps TRY tonight to do this and see what happens. Enough is enough. If I want to meet people, I can't sit around waiting for everyone to come to me right? If that is the case, then I AM a snot and deserve the singleness I live in.

But it would be so NICE to have someone just come up to me once and awhile...

blah.

I'm really not that depressed... I'm just pensive. I can be that way can't I?

Anyhow, looks like I blogged a lot more than I thought anyhow! YAY for me! LOL

Have a great weekend everyone! Read you later!

Humbled

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 16:04:25 GMT

I've been humbled today.

I've also awoken with yet ANOTHER headache... I think I need massage therapy...

I need all types of freeking therapy it seems. SERIOUSLY. Just lock me up and throw away the key.

My bosslady apparently was talking about me to my life/health insurance guy and freaked him out... just got a call from him. I'm like, OMG MAKE IT STOP!! I seriously need some mental health days... gawd.

Why can't I have a cot in here to have a nap with? The floor is too cold for me to curl up and have a snooze. I just wanna pop my eyes out of my head and give them a rest.

blah blah blah.

I'm not making any sense... I'll be back later perhaps.

Hope you enjoy the latest Sesame Street clip... I'm gonna take MY letter "An" and hide out in the van...

Now, Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Program

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 17:14:17 GMT

It's over and done. My "happy" little jaunt into Space of The Week is over. Many thanks to all who left comments etc. and it was a pleasure to read you.

It's all been bittersweet from the start due to some technical issues before I was listed, to several other issues of confusion. And I won't even start on my state of mind today due to other "crap"... that alone is a pathetic thing. As usual in my life, when it rains, it pours and I just want to stick my head in the ground and not come up for a few days.

Anyhow, it's been a lot of work to keep up and quite frankly, I am looking forward to going back to normal. Well... whatever "normal" is. HA I truly believe that many of the people listed on the "Captain's Mates" list deserve SOTW status. Some of you have already enjoyed it, some, I am sure will find that little prize in your pocket someday in the future.

I have posted up one of my favourite little songs from classic Sesame Street today. I'm pretty sure that anyone over the age of 30 will remember it if you were an avid watcher of Sesame Street that is... I almost cried when I found it because I can actually remember as a child, sitting in the living room singing along to this and always enjoying the animation. Looking through several old Sesame Street clips, I came to realise that I used to always enjoy and appreciate the animation side of the show... perhaps that is where the root of my curiosity with graphic design has come from? Could be... well that and my grandfather was a sign painter as with my father. lol

I figured I'm going to search for my all-time favourite clips from TV from my childhood for the rest of the week. Does anyone have any nice memories of the classic shows etc? I loved watching Sesame Street, Electric Company, Captain Kangaroo, 3,21 Contact, Mr. Rogers, Mr. Dress-up (RIP), Friendly Giant, The Muppet Show.... eesh... I could go on and on. Mr. D & Friendly Giant were Canadian-based shows so I don't know if any of my 'merican readers would know them... But anything with Jim Henson's name on it I loved. I LOVED muppets of all kinds. I had a lot of puppets as kids and always wanted to be a puppeteer... My mum always told people that I wanted to be a teacher... but I think it's cause she was embarrassed to say that her daughter wanted to be a magician and puppeteer... LMAO I was always putting on shows for my parents and the kids in the neighbourhood. I lucked out once in grade 6 and got to put on a puppet show for the younger kids through a library program. I still remember making my sock puppet dragon... You know... I still have him around somewhere... if I find him, I promise to take his photo for you. lol

Anyone who says that the TV rotted our brains as children was on crack. It only rots your mind if that's ALL you ever did. Trust me, my mum would boot us outside after limiting us to only an hour of TV. I think all that great educational programing from the early 80's was fabulously beneficial and instilled a sense of creativity and wonder in me that continues to live in my crazy head. My parents were very strict on what we were allowed to watch as kids (thanks mum & dad) so if it was educational, or creative I got to watch it. If it was junk or too mature, I was barred from it. As much as I was angry, I am now thankful that they limited us in that way. They kept us being a kid rather than a desensitized mini adult. Perhaps it perpetuated a little bit too much naiveté in me, but I would rather be kind, creative and naive than brusque, unimaginative and insensitive.

What were YOUR favourite shows as a kid?

Telepathy?

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 23:11:22 GMT

Well this is just strange... just got home, checked my email and 'lo and behold my sweet sis sent me one of those fwds that we all LUUUUV to get. You know the kind, wee words of wisdom and such. Being she has no clue where my head is at right now, all I can write it off to is either her firm hand on the fwds or telepathy. Made me smile regardless.

While I normally hate doing the cut and paste thing for anything in my blog other than quizes, this one is written so well and I had to share it.

Even though it's geared towards women, I think that even men can take some of this advice... but not the bra part... please... lol

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A set of screwdrivers,
a cordless drill, and
a black lace bra..

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
One friend who
Always makes her Laugh...
And one
Who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A good piece of furniture
not previously owned by
Anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
Eight matching plates,
Wine glasses with stems,
And a recipe for a meal that will
Make her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A feeling of control over
Her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to fall in love
Without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to quit a Job
Break up with a lover
and confront a friend without ruining the friendship

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
When to try harder... and
WHEN TO WALK AWAY.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
That she can't change
The length of her calves,
The width of her hips, or
The nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
That her childhood
May not have been
Perfect..but;
Its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she would and
Wouldn't
Do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to live alone...
even if
She doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Whom she can trust,
Whom she can't,
And why she shouldn't
Take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Where to go...
Be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
Or a charming inn in the woods...
When her soul needs soothing... !

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she can and can't accomplish
In a day...
A month..
And a year...

Fit Hits The Shan

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 20:07:35 GMT

Oh boy.

Woke up this morning, thought about last night, considered what I said recently, considered what I said last night... sitting here now in a state of frozen agony.

The dirty laundry is so... filthy and I hung things up in a public manner. Do I regret? Do I feel horrid? Do I justify and stand firm? Who knows.

Questions upon questions... I'm stuck in an episode of Lost! Everything is surreal and nothing is making sense.

The carpet tendencies are slowly trying to make their way back into my muddled brain.

I feel... I hurt... I worry. All I got is a keyboard and a screen and the only way I know how to sort things presently. At least until a therapist agrees to see me. :-P

So I'll sit here making friends with the worms I let out of this can in my hand....

Burnt Toast

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 20:35:04 GMT

First off I need to say the toast idea somewhat came from Jen's space so I shall give her some props here. Thanks Jen, and go visit her if you can, she's got great Q's/quizzes to answer in her blog... plus we share the same name, so really... that's the coolest part to me. (-;

Sometimes I feel like burnt toast. You know the feeling... like you've been through the fire and come out a bit scathed... sometimes not too bad, just a bit golden... other times... you are unrecognisable. Last night I felt like a stranger in a flipped out dream. I felt like a piece of charred toast.

There was part of me that didn't want to go, I didn't want to be somewhere, I just felt so damn reluctant that I made PD & I late. Even though she may say that it didn't matter and that we both misunderstood the time to be there, and that's the kind of cool friend she is. But I think it was mostly my fault. To make matters worse, when we showed up, we received a cool welcome. That part hurt the most. I felt like a little child being admonished for coming in late from playing. Like it was something I did to make everyone else miserable. Bad, bad, girl. tsk tsk.

(Let me interject for a moment with my missive; I normally don't talk about stuff like this in my blog because some people who read it are involved... but today, I don't care. I need to write it down. I need to make sure I can look back on this later and refer to it. Even though there are many who'll read it and just sum it up to some chick's thoughts on the net, this place is for me initially, and I need to write it. My apologies to those who read and don't "get it".)

Anyhow, last night was simply surreal. Perhaps it was the hurt I felt... no, not "perhaps", it was. Those horrid childhood memories of being the outsider came bubbling back up like lava in a volcano ready to pop. Some could tell me to get over it. Others could tell me that I obviously need to deal with something. You'd both probably be correct. I think I would also be correct in saying that everyone at one time or another has felt like they were on the outside looking in on the people they name "friend". I think we've all had moments in our lives where we felt like the people we enjoy spending the most time with, sometimes leave you out of something and it just hits you like a stone in the head. Perhaps it's kharma coming to bite me in the butt for all the times I did same? If one doesn't believe in kharma, then perhaps an obvious lesson to be learned. "Remember the time when...."? Yes I do, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm SORRY. I'll never do it again, I promise. Just please stop doing this to me. My most humble apologies.

What I am not sorry for is being who I am. What I am not sorry for is going my own way even when it is alone. I've done it before, I'd do it again if I had to. But I would rather not if at all possible. I don't like to be controlled by others, is that such a bad thing? I am a leader, not a follower... which has got me into trouble enough times to count on my hands 100x over. I am not so unrealistic that I don't know when there are times to follow and times to lead. I can differentiate between the two. But when someone's will is bending itself against me simply because I don't blindly follow... well that just gets my goat.

I am not vindictive or competitive either. I don't feel the need to compete with the ones I love most importantly. Unfortunately I've seen that happen time and time again between those that are friends. Why is that? Can someone explain to me why "friends" feel this need to one-up each other all the time? Why can't we simply praise them for their accomplishments rather than feeling like we need to be BETTER now because they got some glory? What is this inherent need in some, to steal the thunder of others?

Insecurity? Probably.

To whom it may concern; I know I am not your "BFF", and I know that I am not always the best for distant correspondence... my bad. And my bad for thinking that perhaps you understood... But I honestly thought you would have liked to spend even a hour of your time catching up. But once again, I became an afterthought and the only opportunity I was allowed was something I couldn't do or afford. I wanted to talk to you, but maybe it wasn't meant to be. That's ok... not ok with me, but ok with the universe I suppose. The connection I thought we had was damaged awhile ago and perhaps some of that was my fault. Plus, intervening "forces" have made it quite clear that I should stay back and that I have no rights to assume such closeness. But really, it's ok because we cannot be close with everyone. Believe me, I understand that fact a lot more than I'm given credit for. I shall stay back with the understanding that I appreciate what we have or had, and that my place in a person's life is not always under my control. Should I discuss this with you? I think so! Damn those passive-aggressive forces of nature. But for now, I am sorting it through here... which is not my habit for this type of thing as my dirty laundry is usually my own biz. But my confusion and hurt run deep and this is all I have... for now.

Have you ever been somewhere where you just want to get out but you can't? It's like you are in a 5x5 prison cell and the walls are closing in around you, squeezing the air out through the cracks in the walls. This unexplainable and overwhelming feeling of being trapped comes over you. You know that feeling right? The one where you can't breathe and all you want to do is run? The one where you feel like you are being slowly burned alive like a piece of bread in a toaster... (oh yeah, brought that one back up... had to)

After being given a cool welcome, even though apologies on our behalf were said, well, within minutes of arriving I wanted to leave. I lost my will to be animated, I lost my appetite, and I simply lost the desire to attempt connection with anyone. I honestly tried, but the daggers from certain people were delivered and received and the life slowly drained out of me as I stood there trying to breathe and be polite. In my already weakened state of mind, it wasn't too difficult to take me down either.

This isn't overdramatism either... it simply WAS.

My connection and closeness died a long time ago with a few folk... and I think I am mourning the loss. I am also beating myself up for not being more open by simply TELLING the people how I felt, rather than bottling it up. Sometimes, when I've been hurt, I foolishly worry about how the OTHER person will be hurt if I tell them how I feel. How silly can that be? I am hurt, I am sad, and you caused that, but I don't want to tell you because I am too concerned for your feelings?? Even though, you didn't seem too concerned about mine when you inflicted the first punch. How twisted is that? Then I spend the next few months with anger and dissapointment, in that person and with myself for being so weak. Why do I have a problem with telling someone I care for that they hurt me, but I have no problems telling people that don't mean as much to me same?? Dichotomy... PAH! Fear of rejection? Most likely.

So my new proverbial leaf from now on, shall be to be more diligent in communicating things. Good and bad. If I feel hurt or wronged, I need to speak up. I need to do it with kindness and deliver it with empathy, but I need to SAY it none-the-less. To keep it all bottled up will only result in more pain... ie last night.

Once again, it's not a warpath, but a life path. All these holes in my soul cannot be repaired by the people around me. They need to be filled with light from another source. If I can remember that, I think I'll be ok. I AM ok... Just lost the footing on my path for awhile. Best pick up, get up, go forward and learn from the past because that's all we can really do sometimes.

Where's The Chicken Soup?

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 00:33:14 GMT

Tonight, is sushi night. We're all getting together to make sushi, watch a film and have a good time.

Over the last couple of days I've been doing a lot of soul searching... a lot of walks down "memory lane" and reevaluating what kind of friend I am. I have come to some startling conclusions on the latter.

Tonight, we'll see if I can make some changes... for good or bad. I think I have become aware that as strong as I am, as strongly opinioned that I am... I still lay down and make myself a doormat at times... at the wrong times. That needs to change. Let's hope it works no?

There's no warpath here, just some adjusting...some attitude changing.

Metamorphosis

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 16:36:15 GMT

Yup, I've been a busy bee... Many thanks to First Mate PD for takin the Captain out to get her new, (used) monitor. The great part is that it's the same screen size as the old one and even though it's a CRT and not some fancy schmancy LCD, it's a flat screened CRT... Therefore, I have almost made a move up! LOL

Now, may we all have a moment of silence for my other monitor. Before we do, I just want to say a few words about my dear friend that is about to be laid to rest... It is almost 9 years old, and at the time that it was purchased, it was 'top o'the line'. It's 17" screen has called 7 apartments/houses, 3 cities and 2 countries home at one time or another. It's graced 4 different desks and has been my window to the outside world for just as long. Goodbye dear monitor!! You have served me well all these years and I shall miss you!! (Insert moment of silence here)

Thank you.

So now on to a new chapter of blogging with the newest addition to the Treehouse... Thank you Mitchell for the compliment! It took me awhile to get this done because of the "colouring restraints" on the old monitor and also life... it sometimes gets busy no? Hopefully it will add some new colour and excitement to the place! I only wish we had a bit more freedom in here to change things around but this will have to do until MSN decides otherwise.

I am in much better spirits since last I wrote. PD and I had our V-day date and it was a lot of fun even if the the movie sucked rocks. I don't wish to say too much on Eragon because it doesn't really deserve much wordage. But I WILL say that it was a terrible rendition of the book and I likened it to a couple of Jr. Highschool kids who wrote a shoddy D- screenplay and took a course in CGI and thought they could make a film. Such a promising cast of actors, (barring a couple I shall not even mention) they could have had a stellar film. If only whoever wrote the screenplay, directed and produced it had not seen LOTR so many times and tried to copycat, they may have had something wonderful. Both PD and I agreed that if they are crazy enough to make a second film for Eldest, we will not even bother going. All I can say is THANK GOODNESS we only paid $3 at the "cheap theatre" to see it. Funny... to rent it would have cost us more. Oh well. At least we have something to sit around and say, "OMG what WAS that CRAP?" on days when we need a laugh.

Yesterday I was laid flat with a migraine, which was horrid and I don't wish that evil on anyone. Only good thing is that after it abated late in the evening, I was able to post up the new banner. I ended up staying up late because I slept most of the day, but that's alright. Sometimes sitting in front of the tube, imitating a gelatinous glob can be a good thing.

I was going to write a long blab about why I love to blog but I think I can sum it up by saying that I love this place. It's where I can.... emotionally "puke" all over the screen and sometimes people actually read it! It's nice to be able to record one's emotions, trials, errors and silly comments for posterity. Do I do it for attention? I shall admit that sometimes this is true, but not in a big-headed, vain way. I started the blog all that time ago to deal with the pain in my heart and to learn to open up, as I tend to bottle things in. I think it has helped somewhat and has most definitely improved my writing skills, if not my spelling... :-P The best part is that this has become a lovely place to meet fellow, like-minded souls who have similar interests. I am so pleased to know all of the "mates" and thank you for your candor and bold comments, both good and bad... seriously! lol Your blogs inspire mine, and I thank you for that, TRULY! If I had a bazillion dollars I'd throw us a party... of course, it would have to be someplace warm because SERIOUSLY it's too cold up here right now and I wouldn't wish this torture on any of you. (ok ok the weather has broken currently, but I STILL wouldn't consider it until the summer... lol) The Treehouse hosts fab parties and The Siren's Call is always great for a good pillage-fest. >winks<

Cheers to all and may this week bring you inspiration with a dash of silliness and fun! Deepest thanks for reading, commenting and becoming some of the coolest people I have met in a long time!

Time to sail away for now... read you later!